Quotes of Steven Wright

•  I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
•  Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
•  Half the people you know are below average.
•  What’s another word for Thesaurus?
•  99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
•  82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
•  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
•  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
•  If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
•  All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
 •  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
•  I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
•  OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
 •  How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
•   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
•  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
•  When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
•  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
•  Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
•   I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
•  If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
•  Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
•  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
•  My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
•  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
•  If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
•  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
•  Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
•  The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
•  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
•  The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
•  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
•  The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
•  Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
•  A lot of people are afraid of heights, not me! I’m afraid of widths.
•  If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
•  If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
•  You can’t have everything.  Where would you put it?
•  If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you!

About Nancy Tessier 59 Articles
Move Over Mid-Life Barbie Nancy T is here Married. Mom and mémé. Green-eyed blonde or brunette (depending on my mood). Sweet, sensitive, smart & self-employed. Owner of Windsor Business Networks, Bridal Basics, Mashup Kaffe Designer, Writer, Creative Director, and Master Collaborator