I’ve been sleeping like kaka. Tossing and turning to find a comfortable pain-free position all night long, it’s exhausting! The mid-level pain is constant and doesn’t go away whether I sit or lay down and increases when I’m standing or twisting.
Standing is the worst! When I’m in the checkout line, I try and shift my weight from side to side, or stand with my weight balanced equally on both feet paying special attention to my posture but none of it helps and the pain level is steadily increasing.
My husband and I have a system of accommodating my pain level when we’re out, that lets me blend in. While shopping, he always asks if I need to push the cart. Mostly it’s yes because I utilize the cart like a walker while still looking like the vibrant, powerful woman my husband and I still think I am. When we’re finished, I give him the cart so he can get in line at the checkout counter, and tell him I’ll catch up.
We laugh at the pain sometimes especially when I get strong jolts and it throws me off-balance or stops me from straightening my back to stand upright. Usually, when hubby is around, I strike a model pose, shoot him a big smile and laugh. It’s bravado that is much better than crumbling into a heap of tears a dozen times a day.
So here I am, day after day waking up after restless nights and spending the days exhausted to the point that I stopped setting any afternoon appointments, and accomplishing less than half of whatever I put on my calendar on any given day. My mind still thinks I can do so much more in a day than my body actually can. I find this very frustrating because I still make too many commitments.
For the most part, I have isolated myself. It’s difficult to make plans to do anything when I can’t guarantee my body will cooperate. So this is it?
If I was a litigious person, I would have run to a lawyer and sued the driver of the other car. That idea wasn’t’ even on my radar, not for several years, until I realized someone needs to pay for someone to do all the things I no longer can. And now it’s past the statute of limitations and I’m out of luck.
That’s all there is. The pain came to stay and erased all the plans we had, the cross-country trip, our day-tripping, and quick getaways and practically all our day-to-day activities that kept us above the fold.
This was originally posted on Facebook as a private status on March 6, 2018 at 10:43 AM
